Who's Your Daddy? Is He Rich Like Me?
by rlylaughable
Summary: Chase has a long-lost illegitimate son. Lulz ensue.
1. Chapter 1

House thought he'd seen that kid somewhere. The kid was standing at the end of the hall, floppy blonde hair in his eyes. House squinted, as if that would reveal to him the identity of this familiar child.

They stared at each other for some time, before they both slowly turned in opposite directions and continued on their separate ways.

When House saw the kid a second time, he started to get suspicious. He hated trying to remember someone and being unable to. It was so frustrating that he just wanted to go diagnose someone with lupus so they'd end up dying because no one ever has fucking lupus.

The kid walked up to him.

"Do you know my daddy?"

"Who's your, uh, daddy?" House instantly felt creepy for saying that to a 12 year old.

"His name is Robert Chase."

"Dude! No way! Je-rry! Je-rry! Stay right here, I have to go get Wilson!"

House hobbled as fast as he possibly could; faster than if he was running from the child support authorities, as he suspected Chase soon would be.

He burst into the patient's room.

"Wilson! You need to come with me right now!"

"I'm with a patient, House." Wilson said, exasperated, as though he'd never experienced such blatant unprofessionalism before.

"_It's okay about the milk_!"

"Dude! No way!" Wilson said, throwing down the chart and starting to follow House to the door.

"Wait," The patient said, adjusting her scarf, "You can't leave, I'm about to go to chemotherapy!"

"You don't understand," Wilson said, "There's drama afoot." With that, he dashed off.

House couldn't help but grin as he walked into the conference room. He and Wilson had already planned the dramatic reveal of Chase's son.

"Has Wilson been slipping you Prozac again?" Chase asked.

"No. I'm just excited."

"I'm not gonna ask why."

"I really think you should. "

"I'm not going to."

"How many women did you sleep with in Australia?"

"Smooth transition there."

"Oh, I think you'll find it relevant." House turned, before summoning, "Bring the child!"

"I never want to hear you say that again."

Wilson walked in, leading the kid.

"Oh, cute," Chase said, cracking a smug grin, "You found a kid who kind of looks like me, trying to pass him off as my son. Not that simple, House, you did that on April Fool's in 2006."

"His name's Dashiell," House said, "Dashiell, tell daddy your mom's name." He winced at having to say 'Daddy' again.

"Shirley Bishop."

Chase's face fell into a worried frown.

"That proves nothing." He said, quietly, "Shirley was…"

"A whore," Dashiell said, nodding, "Back in Melbourne, the running joke was that if I'd been named after my father, I'd be named Rick Joe Jim Bob Dave."

House snorted.

"But Mom always said that you were my father. She was always sure about it."

"Why'd she send you here?" Chase asked, kneeling down to Dashiell's eye level.

"She wanted me to meet you. And her new boyfriend and I don't really get along. None of her boyfriends have ever liked me."

"Yeah," Chase said, glancing away.

A few moments of silence passed.

"How about you go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat?" Chase said, "I'm gonna give Shirley a call."

"Cool! Do they have pizza?" Dashiell asked, grinning.

"Yes, they do." Chase said, weakly returning the smile, "House, take him."

House sighed.

"Okay, but if there's only one Cosmic brownie left I will not hesitate to beat up your son."

"I could totally take you." Dashiell said.

"Wanna bet?" House replied, as they both left the conference room.

"He's your son," Shirley rasped, the result of smoking for the majority of her life.

"How can you know that?" Chase said, running his fingers through his hair, "Everyone knows you get around."

"I have to tell you something, Robert. Have you ever wondered why I only have one son?"

"Shirley, I'm not interested in hearing how many abortions you've had."

"I've been on birth control since I was nine. But I stopped taking it when I was with you."

"_What_?" Chase said, eyes widening, "Why the _fuck _would you do that?"

"I honestly thought we'd get married."

"I wish you'd let me in on that notion! For God's sake, you even told me that you weren't in love but you'd fuck me 'till somebody better came along! And someone better _did _come along! Peter goddamn Parsons for fuck's sake!"

Chase heard a mucus-y cough hacked on the other end.

"Only because you were leaving for America," Shirley finally said, "Don't you remember?"

"No! I can't even talk to you, you're fucking insane."

"Look, he's your son. He's there. Get to know him."

Chase hung up.

The damn kid had beaten House to the last chocolate pudding. House _wanted _that pudding.

"Your pudding looks like poop."

Dashiell grinned and shoved in a spoonful, then stuck out his tongue.

"It looks like poop is on my tongue."

"Gross!" House replied.

"I'm gonna swallow _poop_."

"Stop it!"

Revenge burned through House's blood.

"I'm telling your dad that you said poop."

Dashiell scoffed.

"Great threat there. I was raised by my _mom_. I was the kid who taught everyone else 'pigfucking cunt'."

"Where the hell did you go to middle school?"

"The middle school of hard knocks, motherfucker," Dashiell said before throwing up a gang sign.

Dashiell laughed, but stopped when he looked over House's shoulder. House turned, to see Chase walking toward them.

"I'm gonna want to get this tested. Genetically, y'know," Chase said, shoving his hands into his pockets and not making eye contact, "But, um, you're here. You can stay with me until we sort this all out."

Dashiell nodded.

"I'm off the clock now. Let's go."

Dashiell dutifully stood and followed Chase. They silently walked out of the cafeteria, Chase with his eyes on the ground and Dashiell with his eyes on Chase. House watched until they were gone, and then grabbed the bowl of remaining pudding. Victory was his.


	2. Chapter 2

When House walked into the conference room, Dashiell waved cheerily. Chase was face-down on the table. House knew immediately what had happened.

"I'll be right back!" he said, dashing out of the room as best he could with a cane.

He slammed Cuddy's door open.

"House, Wilson and I are speaking." Cuddy said.

"So?"

"_Privately_."

"Wilson." House said. Wilson turned reluctantly.

"_I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo_."

"That's…pretty jumpy. Dude! No way!" Wilson stood to leave.

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" Cuddy exasperatedly demanded.

"You don't understand," Wilson said, "There's drama afoot."

"Of course I understand, I run this goddamn hospital! I have taken every rehashed _Degrassi _plotline you people have thrown at me! Now tell me what you're talking about."

"You see," Wilson said, "House and I went on this two month bender of Ketel One and classic shows from the '80's."

House glanced at Cuddy hoping for an eyebrow quirk of intrigue, and was disappointed to see that she was accepting this news as if a lupus diagnosis turned out to be wrong.

"And we were talking about how Princeton-Plainsboro seems to have an unusually high rate of character drama. And also diseases that occur in, like, two out of six billion. But anyway, we decided that explaining the drama to uninvolved people took up an awful lot of air time. So we created a system of code phrases based on dialogue from the '80's shows we were watching. 'It's okay about the milk' is code for 'Chase's long-lost illegitimate lovechild just showed up'. 'I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo' is code for 'The kid is confirmed to be his'. I'm now leaving to watch this subplot unfold." Wilson explained.

Cuddy rolled her eyes.

"Fine. Go."

Wilson grinned and nodded, before following House.

"The kid's yours, eh?" House said when they returned to the conference room.

"You could try not to look so excited." Chase muttered, without raising his head.

"How can you tell how I look?"

"You're not that fucking complex."

"How's it feel to have a daddy, Dashiell?"

"I'll tell ya, Greg, it feels good." Dashiell said, beaming ear-to-ear.

Wilson found it unsettling to hear House referred to by his first name. He'd always kind of believed no one ever called him anything but House, including but not limited to House's parents and Stacy.

"So, _Dad_," Dashiell said, "I was thinking we could go play catch in the park, and then go fishing, and then you can explain to me what masturbation is!"

Chase jolted upright.

"Dashiell," he said through gritted teeth, "Who told you about classic father-son moments?"

"Greg." Dashiell replied, "Also, I guess you have to make me take ice baths and sleep outside when I talk back."

Wilson flinched.

"Oh, too soon." He said, grimacing.

"Not soon enough." House retorted.

"House, can you take Dashiell to get a soda?" Chase asked.

House scoffed.

"I feel like I'm doing all the parenting here. You don't even _care _about your only son!"

"Stop."

"I don't like it when you drink in front of him."

"_House_."

"Dashiell, what are some freaky Australian sodas?" House asked as he led Dashiell out of the conference room.

Wilson drummed his fingers on the table.

"Well, I actually have a thing, so…" he said, stretching as he began to stand.

"I can't do this. I can't be a father. I don't know how, I-I never _learned_." Chase stuttered.

Apparently it was time for character development. Wilson sighed quietly and sat back down.

"My father left when I was young…"

"I know." Wilson said, "There was an entire episode about this. Cut to the chase, no pun intended."

"I feel like I'm not ready to be a father to Dashiell, but if I don't I'm just perpetuating this destructive cycle of absent fathers and lost childhoods."

_Damn_, Wilson thought, _The writers are getting into this one._

"Chase," Wilson said, "Your father's mistake was that he wasn't there. If you just try to be a father to Dashiell, you're already doing something different."

Chase nodded. A few minutes of silence passed.

"What do fathers even _do_?" Chase said, "Other than the, uh, aforementioned."

"Well, what are things you wished you could do with your dad?"

Chase paused.

"I always wanted my dad to take me to a ball game," he said, smiling slightly, "And I'd have one of those foam fingers, and we'd be on the jumbotron, laughing together."

"Take him to a ball game." Wilson said, "There's one in a few hours, and I'm pretty sure I can convince Cuddy to let you off for the rest of the day."

Chase stared at the papers before him absentmindedly, before standing.

"See you later, Wilson," he said, "I'm taking my _son _to a ball game." With that, Chase left.

_That was a little much. _Wilson thought.

Chase was sitting with Dashiell at Yogi Bera stadium, where the New Jersey Jackals were playing a home game. He'd bought Dashiell a foam finger and a hot dog, but Dashiell seemed a little bored.

"Having fun?" Chase asked. God, this was awkward. It felt like a bad first date but without the option of making out if it turned out that neither of them had anything in common.

"Yeah," Dashiell said, picking at the foam, trying to smile as if he wasn't lying.

"Are you sure?"

"It's just… I was led to believe that baseball was more exciting than this."

Chase chuckled.

"I felt the same way when I went to my first baseball game in America. I was like, oh my god, it's been three hours and _nothing has happened_."

"I know right!" Dashiell chirped, "I mostly watched rugby back at home, so I've always thought all sports were actually exciting, but this is terrible!"

"It's true! Baseball is just a bunch of fat guys standing around on a field!"

They laughed, glancing at each other to make sure the other still was, and they kept laughing if it meant the other would too. Chase wondered if this was bonding.

"You want me to get you some food?"

"Sure!" Dashiell said, "Let's flag down one of the guys walking up and down the stairs. It seems like it takes a lot longer, but in America, you're not supposed to actually get your own snacks."

As Chase waved at the popcorn guy, he couldn't keep the grin off his face. Maybe he could actually do this.


End file.
